Saturday, October 11, 2014

Are You a Social Coward?



If you have to tell somebody something that you believe they aren't going to like or will react badly to, do it to their face like a civilized human being!

       I never have liked the idea of using a blog for the purposes of venting one's sour feelings, but I simply have to get this off my chest.  I have a lot of arthritis; that's why I quit driving.  I was getting to where I couldn't turn the wheel or even pull the seat belt around to fasten it, because it started in my shoulders. Maybe four years ago, the orthopedist said I had no cartilage left in the shoulder joints and the only answer is joint replacements.  I can't see doing that -- I am not going to spend the rest of my life doing nothing but therapy and maybe have it be less than successful, anyway.  I also have arthritis in my hands, my feet, and now in my right knee., and it's starting in the left hip.  So, after I got rid of my car (which happened in February of 2013, when I broke my rib), a friend volunteered to take me the grocery store, to medical appointments, etc.  She was firm in her commitment, although I'm always skeptical about whether you can be entirely sure of anybody's help, no matter what they say.  My mother always said, never count on anybody to do anything for you.
       Lately I've developed a medical problem that will require some outpatient surgery.  And I've been thinking that my friend didn't seem herself lately -- she seemed kind of edgy and taciturn, and she's been tied up a lot, so scheduling the things that I needed to do was becoming difficult.  So I asked her if she was going to be able to keep on helping me, and she said firmly, "Oh, yes, I want to," and we made some arrangements and I thought everything was hunky-dory.
       Then yesterday morning I had an email from her (and we never exchange emails -- we talk on the phone).  She told me very formally that she had family problems and she couldn't help me any longer.  A very cold, businesslike note, like we were business partners breaking off a contract or something.  I've called her twice and she won't pick up.  Now what do you think of that? 
       It's not the fact that she can no longer help me that bugs me because I understand that family has to come first -- it's just that I think she should have talked to me directly instead of wimping out with an email, like I was somebody she barely knew.  I would like to still be friends, but now I don't think we're going to be.   She'll probably never talk to me again. 
       It's like getting a "Dear John" letter.
 
       That's what I call social cowardice. 
 
       This isn't the first time I've encountered this phenomenon.  My mother and I lived in a duplex at one point and the landlady and her husband lived on the other side.  We were quite friendly; they had cats and two Great Danes, and I enjoyed being around them.  One day in summer, we were sitting there with the front door open for air and the woman suddenly appeared at the door.  I called, "Hello!" but she just dumped a note in the mailbox and bolted around the corner.  She was raising the rent and didn't have the guts to face us.  Now isn't that something?  We continued to be friends, but she never said a word about the rent raise and we didn't either -- we just paid it out.  Social cowardice!  
       And one more example.  I had a handyman whom I really liked.  He would always do anything I asked, from remortaring bricks in a retaining wall to repairing the till of an old trunk.  And he agreed to install new vinyl flooring in the kitchen.  I picked out the flooring and had it delivered, and then he broke off contact.  He never told me he changed his mind and didn't want (or maybe didn't know how) to put in the floor -- he simply stopped answering my calls and disappeared off the face of the earth.  I wrote him a straightforward letter of complaint, but I never heard a word from him again.  The man did not know how to say no!  Most handymen will say, "I don't paint" or "I don't do flooring," etc.  But for some reason he couldn't do that!  I found somebody else to put in the flooring, but still, I counted on him to do little things for me, like fix light switches and toilets.  And he just dropped me like a hot potato.  If he didn't want to work for me any longer, he should have said so!
       Face people, for goodness sake -- take responsibility for your actions  and maintain a civilized attitude!  You're not going to lose a friend or a business associate just because circumstances won't let you do everything you may have promised! 
      
Don't be a social coward!
And learn how to say no gracefully!

21 comments:

  1. Unfortunately, this is so true Lorinda, I've experienced it many times. Some people never learn to communicate. They don't know how to say no and they act polite as if nothing happened, while they let their feelings of being used and taken advantage of brew in silence. I managed to confront a "friend" at a party what her problem was, after she lashed out at me and stopped talking to me. I'm ashamed to say this, but I basically bullied her into telling me how she felt.
    She said, "I've been going over to your house to walk your dog three times a week, and it got to be too much chore for me."
    I was stunned, because I asked her every single time the day before my 12 hour shifts if she had time or not, and I reminded her that there were a few people in the neighborhood who would be happy to do it for a few bucks. Every single time her answer was, 'I'm happy to do it, I love Lucky and I have the time.'
    So, I asked her, "Then why didn't you tell me?"
    Her answer was, "You should have noticed, and I didn't tell you because I thought you would get mad at me."
    I didn't understand her logic, so I asked, "So, instead of being honest, you rather lost a friend over something that could have been cleared up in one minute?"
    She squirmed and replied, "I was thinking about it, and then I felt like you were using me."
    "But, do you remember how many times I asked you and you insisted to continue?"
    "Yes, but I hate these talks and confrontations, I rather run away. I suffered from the 'honest talks' when I was a kid and my mother forced me to talk about how I felt, all the time."
    She started crying and after I assured her that she can tell me anything, we remained friends until she moved to another state.

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    1. Well, I'm glad I'm not the only one! As I said in the blog, I did notice that things didn't seem quite right with my friend and I asked her if she still was able to help out, and she too said yes. Sigh. Anyway, I found another friend who can take me some places. She's single and she's an early riser like me, so maybe this will work out at least for a while. And I signed up for Silver Key, which has transportation and other services for "seniors" (I don't really like that term).

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  2. I hate to ask either of you in a message (being a social coward, but I also don't live anywhere near either of you). Exactly what did you do for the friend in return for their kindness? Was the relationship all "you take, they give?" Maybe they felt they were getting the short end of the deal.

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    1. Well, you know, my mother could be pretty cynical at times, and another thing she always said, nobody ever does anything for you without expecting something in return. I always disagreed with her, but she was probably right. However, this friend knew good and well that I couldn't do anything for her. I offered her money, but she wouldn't take it. Maybe I didn't offer her enough!

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    2. Gift certificate to a restaurant you know she liked. A box of cookies or candy. Insist on filling her gas tank or buying a gas card. If she says no, just leave it in her car. People don't like to be paid money for their good deeds. That makes them feel like the hired help, but they don't mind a little gift every once in awhile.

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    3. Aw, Marva, I did stuff like that. Let's just say that the total situation is not fully exposed and I probably should have kept my mouth shut (or my computer down).

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    4. Yes, Marva, I should have added this in my reply. She was very anxious when she had doctor's appointments, so I always went with her, when she had surgery I sat with her for hours and visited every day and so on. My rule in life is to always give ten times more than what I get.

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    5. Good to hear, Lorinda and Erika. I couldn't imagine either of you not doing a little trade-last. I guess some people just wear out over time and build some resentment, even though you have done everything that you could to acknowledge their help. It starts feeling like a job you didn't know you applied for.

      I can definitely see using email to break the news. I definitely write better than I speak.

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  3. I don't think it's always social cowardice. I find it easier to express myself through the written word, so sometimes that will be my initial way of confronting a situation. I will, however, not run away from talking after that initial written note or letter. Maybe I am a coward, but for me sometimes I just need to be able to think things out because my emotions can overwhelm so I don't speak clearly.

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    1. From what I know of you, Lisa, I wouldn't ever call you a coward! The written word is fine if you're in the habit of communicating that way, but in this case my friend isn't a big computer user and we have never communicated by email except to exchange greeting cards on occasion.

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  4. I think sometimes when people feel bad about something, they just find it really difficult to say to someone face to face, particularly more introverted people. For people who are very forthright, that can be hard to understand. I've always hated conflict and so doing things that would avoid it is often the preferred option - sending something by writing, even if that's not the usual way of communicating with the person, is a way of avoiding conflict. I agree with what you say that it would have been much better for her to speak to you about it, but I can also understand the choice to write being made! I can also understand the constant "Yes of course I don't mind, I'm happy to!" thing being said when actually that's not the case at all. I think I've got better at facing things head on as I've got older, but I can sympathise with the other side too.

    I remember a friend telling me about a situation when her son was small, and used to go to a childminder, my friend had become friends with the childminder as well. The childminder had a book where she and the parents could write notes to each other about issues, rather than avoiding talking about the children in front of them, which makes sense in principle, but my friend and the childminder got into this situation where they were arguing with each other in the book about some issue over payment for quite some time, but face to face would be all smiles and "Hi, how are you?" etc, and then they'd scribble these angry messages in the book. Kind of ridiculous, but a good example of what you're talking about!

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    1. Well, my friend is not at all introverted, and she's pretty good with conflict, so I don't see that as an excuse. Frankly, I think her husband and grown daughter with two children have probably been griping at her about doing too much for me and not enough for them. I can understand that situation, but my complaint is just dropping things after saying everything was fine and agreeing to do something like picking me up after this minor surgery. Now I'm going to have to talk the doc into letting me go home with Silver Key. If she had just kept that one commitment, then it would have been more tolerable. Thanks for commenting, Vanessa! I like the example you gave - just another instance of what I insist on calling social cowardice!

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    2. Yes, she could have at least given you notice that she was going to have to stop, like honouring the immediate commitments she'd made to you.

      I just spotted an error in my first comment that I can't leave without mentioning that I spotted it! "...rather than avoiding talking about the children in front of them" clearly it should be either "rather than" or "avoiding", but not both! I'm sure you knew what I meant though.

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    3. LOL I see what you mean about the redundancy! I can truthfully say I didn't notice it and I did know what you meant!

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  5. I think I am guilty of this at times, but only because I don't like hurting people's feelings. But I would never say something that I know I can never do or that I don't believe in. Maybe I just need to learn how to say things better and be forthright about it.

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    1. It's more hurtful to peoples' feelings if you aren't honest with them - say one thing and a couple of days later show them you meant the exact opposite. Thanks for stopping by, Anne!

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  6. I had known many social cowards, as you call them, in my lives. Surprisingly, they were mostly people I considered as close friends.

    Sometimes I wish I knew how to "read" and "predict" people. I always see the best in people, which makes it hurt more when they decide to coldly break my heart.

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    1. Nice to find you stopping by, Hari! I still fume every time I think about what happened! It happened right when I really needed some help!

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    2. Well, sometimes things like this happen for a reason: so that we know who are true friends - those who show up when we have burdens, not a party! :D

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  7. Wow, Lorinda, so many comments here. So many stories. As you know, something similar happened to me recently, although I'm not sure the "unfriending" e-mail I received qualifies as social cowardice as my former friend and I live so far apart. Even so, it did bother me that some of the sleights she detailed were things that happened years ago, and that could have been discussed and settled then when we were still in fairly frequent face-to-face contact. Odd, but I suppose, fairly common, how we humans will let our grievances fester until they explode to the surface. The funny thing is -- and I wonder if you feel the same about the situation with your former friend -- but I feel a sense of relief that things are finally settled, however unhappily, between my ex-friend and I. That is because I'd been feeling an uncomfortable tension growing between us for quite some time. Perhaps better to have things finished once-and-for-all than to keep faking a friendship that no longer exists? Anyway ... onward. Best -- Jack

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    1. Well, it was a real shock because she had always avowed faithfully that she would always help me out. I had thought she was getting a little grim and taciturn lately, and that's why I asked her about three days before the email if she was going to be able to keep on doing things for me. And she said, "Oh, yes, I want to!" If she had said then, "You know, I may have to stop," then we could have worked out other arrangements. Instead, it's been a complete shutdown - not a word has been exchanged between us since then. She doesn't even know I'm being treated for cancer. Wouldn't you think she would have been curious about the diagnosis from the first surgery after all the years we were friends?

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